Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat