Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
This is a true ally.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.