The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.