I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
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Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.