My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
You Might Also Like
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
(more comics:
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”