I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Breaking news:
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
This is a bad sign
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.