[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
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I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise