Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
even bears disappoint their mothers
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.