Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You Might Also Like
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.