omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*