It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon