cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
You Might Also Like
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.