A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You Might Also Like
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible