My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Watermelon Boss!