As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?