A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine