[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
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it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn鈥檛 about me.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
hate when i accidentally forget i鈥檓 on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Boss: you鈥檙e fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
your honor my client chooses dare
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
馃摳: @thesproutingsunflower
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.