Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on