@MsLighthouseCat

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

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@Midgetspar

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

@doktorj

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

@SteveSuckington

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

@kimtopher22

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

@MelvinofYork

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@thomaslennon

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

@jordan_stratton

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

@SortaBad

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for