Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.


OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??


Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.


“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms


Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!


Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.


Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.


Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?


Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.


Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for