Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Watch Forrest Gump
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.