@ACartoonCat

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

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@OakHill_

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

@NrouteHQ

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

@sofarrsogud

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

@introvertedwife

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

@CoryBooker

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

@Green_EyedMama

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

@sploosk

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

@skickwriter

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

@yoyoha

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.