Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal