Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*