Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*