Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
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[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Good morning y’all ☀️
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd