This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Tell the colonel to bring it
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie