OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
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*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
If only.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.