OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

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Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart


Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly


pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.


Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.


Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree


Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.


I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!


Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.


Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.


All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk