That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.