Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
You Might Also Like
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Aight bet
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
WHY?!
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid