My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.