guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
One of the best
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.