I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.