Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers