Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
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ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)