Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I have a type: disappointing
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Anime is real
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.