Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
man i love columbo
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?