My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there