Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.