6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.