woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
You Might Also Like
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
☠️☠️☠️
Wikigenius
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No