[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
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Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Krampus.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.