Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I laughed at this way too hard.
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.