Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Autocorrect is my menesis
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.