If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.