If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.