you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS