If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
shazam but for random noises outside
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
🐿️
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”