If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
i wish i could marry a nap
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.