[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.