Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.