Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
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Breaking news:
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host