Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
You Might Also Like
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My inexpensive home security system…
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back