Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey